I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
