I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
