i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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