you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
