He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
