My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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