All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
