Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
