I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
