Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
