you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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