Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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