I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
