he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
