Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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