I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
