Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
