You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize