if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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