Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
