I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
