Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
