Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
