dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
