If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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