i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
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