Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
