You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
