the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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