If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
