Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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