WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
