Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I got inside last night via doggy door
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
