so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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