I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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