So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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