Banned from zoo.
Again?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
