Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
