I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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