someone threw a dead crab at me
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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