I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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