Only a mothe r could love this liver
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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