are you still at the devil's house?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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