i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
