so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I came so hard my ears popped.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
