I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
