Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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