I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
