my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
