I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
