I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
