so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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