May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
