Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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