No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
