that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize