i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
