I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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