On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
